Aftermath
by KatJax
Summary: What if Bella hadn't survived the transition after Renesmee's birth? The inner monologue and struggle of a broken husband and a distant father.


Edward POV

I used to think time moved by so quickly. It had to, really. When time is never-ending and your years go on and on, they start to blend together so nicely in a way that makes years pass by like months. But the last three weeks have been different. The last three weeks have been the slowest moving days of my life, even slower than the days of my transition. You would think the gut-wrenching pain of your insides hardening and being poisoned would be the worst time of your life by far. You would think that nothing ever would or could compare to that ache, but the last three weeks have showed me that I was wrong again. The last three weeks have been the true definition of a living hell. The last three weeks have been a living hell I deserved.

I am to blame. I killed her. My Bella.

Three weeks ago, Renesmee was born. More like, she was brought into this world in a thrashing mess of blood and anguish. I know. I am not supposed to feel this way about my daughter. When I look at her, I see Bella. I see her beautiful, strong mother. It kills me. I want to love this child, the child I fathered when I didn't know that I could. The child I made with the woman I loved so dearly. The child who needs me. But right now I just cant. I look at her, and I see my Bella. The woman I killed with this child, with my carelessness, with my love for her.

When I don't look at the face of my child, I see the faces of those who love me. The faces of my family, who are trying to be supportive. I know they do not blame me, but I see the monster I am and what I have done in their eyes. Even though they look at my child with love, I see how they really feel. I hear it, in their thoughts. Alice tries to hide it, because she can see when I think of ending it all. Rose is in love with Renesmee, but she would never admit she knows it is her fault that Bella is dead. Esme is maybe the worst of all. She is so supportive, but I can see she feels as though I took Bella, another daughter, away from her. She does not blame me, as no one knew this could even happen and Bella knew what she wanted from the beginning, but had I been more careful, done more research on our relationship before, maybe this all could have been avoided. And I haven't been able to face Charlie. We are all avoiding his call. There was no time for planning her fake death for family's sake, because this death was real. This death was unplanned. This death is unbearable.

Jake is not keeping his thoughts to himself, either. He is surprisingly a sense of comfort, because he tells me like it is. He blames me too. It's refreshing to have someone tell me the truth I already know. He struggles only in the fact that he imprinted on Renesmee. He is loyal to her, therefore he cannot blame her for Bella's death. He blames me, but knows if it were not for me, there would be no Renesmee. He struggles with this, and I can't blame him. I probably would struggle with this too, if I saw anything other than Bella in the face of my child. I haven't even tried to hold her since the first day. I held her for two minutes before I sobbed so uncontrollably, Rose took Renesmee from my arms before I accidently hurt her. I don't think I would have hurt her on purpose. Renesmee was the last thing Bella ever wanted in this life. She wanted this child, our child.

As Renesmee grows at this accelerated rate, she is no longer a baby. She is a toddler now, who runs to me at every chance she gets. She remembers, and she shows everyone she can the memories she has of her mother. I can't bear to see them, so I stay out of her reach. I do not hold her, though she tries daily. I have not been able to muster the courage to even try. But today, for the sake of the woman I love, today I will try for Bella. Bella would want me to love this child. She wanted me to love this child before she even passed, when she still believed her transition would be successful.

As I walk into the room that has been set up for Renesmee in the main house, I see her sleeping in the toddler bed. I stand in the doorway, staring at the little body that took the place of my life in this house. I move closer to the bed, quietly not to wake her. I look at her hair, the same dark brown as Bella's. I look at her lips, curled into a smile in her sleep. She has Bella's smile. I feel my non-beating heart stir. I sit on the edge of her bed, looking at her. I touch her hand, and see my Bella's face. I move my hand immediately, realizing what I have done. My touch has shown me Renesmee's dream. Though I am terrified, I touch her hand again.

My sweet Bella's voice fills my head.

"Edward, this baby is part of me. He or she is a part of us. This baby is a miracle. I love this baby."

I feel Bella's hand. Bella is rubbing her Bella. Renesmee remembers this. Renesmee is dreaming this. I can feel how safe and loved Renesmee feels. I, too, feel loved and safe. This is too much. I cannot stand this. I open my eyes, and see her, Renesmee is awake. She looks at me, and in that moment, she is no longer the child who took the place of my Bella. She is our child, my daughter. She is Bella's last wish, and I ache to hold her. I reach out for her, and she for me. Though the ache for my wife is still there, and forever will be, I know there has been a shift in me. My daughter, my everlasting part of Bella, needs me. And I will forever be here. Our daughter, my Renesmee, is my forever.


End file.
